Thursday, August 03, 2006

Beat the heat

Here are a few ways to beat the heat. One surefire method is to not use the phrase "beat the heat," because it's stupid. It's one of those lazy journalism phrases that just gets repeated ad infinitum because, well—it's too hot to think of anything better.
  1. Wet a bandanna. Put in freezer. Wait half-hour. Wrap around neck.
  2. Take one cement mixer truck. Fill with ice. Turn on mixer and get inside.
  3. Stand in the entryway of Whole Foods, which is equipped with some massive AC blower.
  4. Buy kiddie pool. Fill with water. Get in and float like an alligator. Come back the next day to find kiddie pool has melted.
  5. Hang out in the make-up store Sephora, which is kept at a cool 60 degrees Fahrenheit, to prevent make-up from melting.
  6. Purchase, as per the documentary film Hands on a Hardbody, an AC unit from an abandoned Wal-Mart. Attach to trailer home and turn all the way down. (Will cool to "about 35, 40 below.")
  7. Elect Al Gore president. Wait 50 years.
  8. Rig battery pack to portable fan. Strap fan around midsection, pointing directly at genitals. (Tip: wear no pants to increase your coolness!)
  9. Ride subway aimlessly. (Note: this works best in London, where you can ride the Circle Line all day and not end up in, say, Canarsie.)
  10. Go see a movie. Most any movie will do; just be careful not to watch something like Little Man, which will negate the theater's cool AC by boiling your blood with its stupidity.
Anyone else out there in TV Land have any tips to ... um ... god, it's too hot—the hell with it ... beat the heat?


Faux-Bee said...

I read the first tip as "bannana" and really, really had a good laugh.

By the way, the kiddie pool melted even more after we emptied it...

Jake-Freedom said...

Oh, thats great dude. I had a hearty laugh here at work. My favorite solution to "beat the heat" is to hang out with some old lady that is going through menopause all day. Their hot flashes make you feel okay (said really slow with the A-okay hand signal)

that girl said...

I'd like to add the following:

Sit out on the patio at Harefield with Faux-bee and That girl, listening to them complain about their day and then getting up and leaving, only to walk through the fucking coolest (in both senses of the word) bar in Brooklyn.

Or just avoiding them altogether and sitting at the bar, inside, which you so admirably DIDN'T do.