The Worst Song Ever

Much like Lance Armstrong repeatedly bested his own record in the Tour de France, Fergie and the Black Eyed Peas continue to one-up themselves in the category of Worst Song Ever.

Previous record-holder "My Humps," a Black Eyed Peas "song" with lead vocals by the inimitable Fergie, should have stayed atop the Worst Song junk heap for a long time ... but, with innovators such as these loosed upon the world, anything can happen.

In this case, what happened was Fergie's new song, "London Bridge."

But maybe we first need to quickly lay out the Worst Song ground rules.

1. The song must be ubiquitous, all over the place, very popular.
2. The song must be catchy—but not good catchy; catchy like Avian Bird Flu. Catchy like if you happen to hear it in the morning it'll be in your goddamn head all day (as the travesty "London Bridge" is now).
3. The song must not merely be annoying or poorly made. (In fact, annoying or poorly made songs usually won't qualify for Worst Song status, as they're usually fairly easy to ignore.) Rather, the song must be a real bellwether of our degraded times; narcissistic, product-obsessed, vacuous, empty, wholly consumerist.
4. Extra points if it sounds exactly like another earlier, better song.
   

"London Bridge" hits all the high points here. Of course, it meets the requirements of No. 1. Already this abortion is showing up everywhere, most notably TRL. Today I am a case study in the fact that the song meets No. 2—I can't seem to get its inane chorus out of my head.

Skipping to No. 4: it sounds exactly like Gwen Stefani's "Hollaback Girl," of the summer of 2005. Now, "Hollaback Girl" I thought was a good song. It was catchy and everywhere, true, but I feel like it was a bit subversive and surreal, which redeemed it. The whole "bananas" thing? I dunno, I liked it.

But this song, "London Bridge," phew. I mean, it hits No. 3 to the T. As with "My Humps," it's chock-a-block with product placement, the glorification of empty celebrity VIP room bullshit, and so on—but, I think, it gets lifted above even "My Humps" due to its embarrassingly lazy "rapping" and awful lyrics. To wit:

Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit
When I come to the clubs, step aside...
Pop the seeds, don't be hating me in the line
V.I.P because you know I gotta shine
I'm Fergie Ferg
Give me love you long time

All my girls get down on the floor...
Back to back drop it down real low
I'm such a lady but I'm dancing like a ho
Because you know what, I don't give a fuck
So here we go!

Chorus (x2)
How come every time you come around
My London London Bridge want to go down
Like London London want you to go down
Like London London be going down like (x2)

Drinks start pouring
And my speech start slowing
Everybody start looking at you

The Grey Goose got the girl feeling loose
Now I wishing that I didn't wear these shoes
It's like everytime I get up on the dude
Papparazzi put my business in the news
And I'm gonna get up out my face (oh, shit)
Before I turn around and spray your ass with mace (oh, shit)
My lips make you want to have a taste (oh, shit)
You got that? I got the bass

Delightful, isn't it? Just wait. Hear it on the radio and see for yourself. I mean it's really like watching a train wreck.

Any and all other Worst Song recommendations can be posted to the comments page. I will analyze each that is given me.